Gomer and the Haunted House
by SoraliaRyujin
Summary: Gomer and Duke claim an apartment is haunted, but Sergeant Carter refuses to believe them.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

"Are we almost there, Lou-Ann?" Gomer grunted as he struggled up the staircase with a pile of boxes in his arms.

"Just a few more steps, Gomer. And my new apartment is right across the hall."

"Thank you again for comin' along, Duke," called Gomer over his shoulder. "Without your help, we'd be cartin' these boxes clear through to tomorrow mornin!"

"Aw, no problem, Gome," Duke replied from further down the staircase, "Figured I might as well after my date stood me up. No sense wasting the day away."

They set their loads down in front of Lou-Ann's new apartment while she fiddled with the lock.

"I'm sorry to put you boys through all this trouble," she said, "but after the landlord raised the rates at my old apartment, I just couldn't afford to stay there any longer."

"It's no problem, Lou-Ann," Gomer said, "Like Duke said, we're happy to help."

Lou-Ann shoved the door open and stepped into the empty room. The two Marines followed behind her, setting the boxes down as she directed. As they did, the wail of police sirens from the street filled the room.

"Golly," Gomer remarked, "There sure are a lot of police in town today, ain't there?"

"Probably looking for those bank robbers from the other day," Duke replied as he headed for the door to grab the next load of boxes. Gomer followed him back out onto the street.

"Well, I sure hope they catch the criminals. Nobody can get away with ill-gotten gains."

"Yeah, sure Gome," Duke muttered as he climbed into the moving truck. Just like the time before, he handed Gomer several boxes before grabbing a load himself. When they both held as much as they could carry, they headed back into the apartment complex.

"This place sure looks run down," Duke remarked as he noticed the dusty corners and peeling plaster on the walls.

"Maybe the owners just come across some hard luck lately," said Gomer.

"Yeah, maybe," Duke grumbled.

They paused at the top of the staircase to rest their backs for a moment. It was then that Gomer noticed a door at the end of the hallway that had been left half-open. The paint on the door was chipped and cracked, and a cobweb or two decorated the opening.

"Hey, Duke!" Gomer said, beckoning towards the door, "look at that!"

"Hmm?" Duke looked up from his contemplation.

"Oh, that's probably just a storage room, Gomer. Come on, let's get these boxes to—" He paused and turned back towards the door. "Hold on a second. If that were a storage room, why would they leave it open?"

He hurried towards the door and peered through the opening.

"It's a staircase. Hey, maybe it leads to a fourth floor."

Gomer, standing behind Duke's shoulder, shook his head.

"Duke, I don't know if we should be crawlin' around in there. We could get hurt, and besides, it's trespassin'."

"How's it trespassing? This is an apartment complex. Do you see any 'no trespassing' signs around?"

"Well, naw, but—"

"Then come on! Or are you scared?"

With that, Duke pushed the door open wider. It groaned on its hinges. When the opening was wide enough, he slipped through and tip-toed up the stairs. Gomer hesitated a moment before reluctantly following. They crept up the creaky wooden steps for what seemed like an eternity. The staircase opened out to a dark, musty, cobweb-filled attic. Dusty piles of boxes and strange odds-and-ends lined the walls. Old paintings leaned against rickety chairs. An open umbrella lay next to a pile of shovels and pickaxes. Gomer and Duke stepped lightly about the room, brushing aside low-hanging cobwebs and piles of loose insulation.

"Who would leave all this stuff up here?" Duke remarked.

"I don't know, but there sure is some nice stuff," Gomer replied, shifting through a pile of cardboard boxes.

"Why look here, it's a possum." Duke nearly jumped through the roof.

"A possum? A live possum?"

"Naw, it's stuffed. But it sure looks alive, don't it?"

As he spoke, Gomer pulled the stuffed opossum out from behind the boxes. The creature held a permanent snarl, its glassy eyes glaring out at nothing.

"Why would anybody keep a thing like that?" Duke snorted. While Gomer mused on this for a moment, a harsh grinding shriek sounded from the opposite side of the attic. Both Marines stiffened and stared at each other with plate-sized eyes.

"What was that?" asked Gomer.

"I don't know, but I think it came from behind those old bookshelves back there."

A chilly breeze blew through the room, followed by deep, guttural laughter. Behind the empty bookshelves, a white figure flittered past. The stuffed possum slipped out of Gomer's hand and hit the ground with a thump, but neither of them seemed to notice.

"Duke?" whispered Gomer.

"I think we'd better get out of here, Gome," Duke gulped.

The two of them made a beeline for the stairs, crashing into each other to escape as fast as possible. Bursting out onto the apartment floor, they slammed the door behind them and leaned against the wall to catch their breath. Gomer was the first to speak.

"What d'you suppose that was, Duke?"

"I don't know, but it wasn't human, that's for sure," Duke replied between gasps.

"Are you sayin' it was a spook? But that can't be no spook. There ain't no such thang as spooks, that's what Sheriff Andy told me."

"Well believe what you want, but else could it be?"

"Well, what are we gonna do?"

"Nothing. Let's just help Lou-Ann unload those boxes and get out of here."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Later that afternoon, Gomer and Duke sat side-by-side at the table in the barracks. Neither of them spoke a word. They were each too busy musing over what had happened. Gomer finally broke the silence.

"What're we supposed to do, Duke? I don't want Lou-Ann livin' underneath a spook if it really was a spook. I still don't believe in spooks, you know."

"Well do you wanna go back up there and prove me wrong?"

"Not necessarily."

"Lou-Ann'll be fine as long as she stays out of the attic. I don't think ghosts move around that often." Sergeant Carter interrupted their conversation as he walked through the door. Glancing around to find the barracks empty other than the two privates, he asked,

"Is Hummel here?"

"No, he's out on pass," said Duke. Carter nodded and started to turn when he noticed something unusual.

"What's the matter with you two lamebrains? Don't you have anything better to do than sit there staring at the wall?"

Duke jumped to his feet and nodded, hoping the sergeant would leave them alone. Gomer had other ideas.

"Hey, Sergeant? Maybe you could help us."

Carter winced inwardly.

"What is it this time, Pyle? What could you possibly be getting into now?"

Duke tried to pull Gomer away.

"I don't think so, Gomer. The Sarge has enough to worry about."

Carter nodded.

"That's right. The Sarge has plenty to worry about. So, if you don't mind…"

He again tried to turn away, but Gomer stopped him again.

"We ran into this problem, Sergeant, and we could really use your advice."

Carter sighed.

"Okay, Pyle. Just what is your problem?"

"It's really nothing, Sarge," Duke cut in.

"But it is, Duke," Gomer insisted. "It goes like this, Sergeant. Me and Duke, we were helpin' Lou-Ann move into her new apartment, see? And we come across this old staircase. Well, we went up the staircase and found this attic with all sorts of furniture and paintin's and purty thangs. But then we heard this rather unpleasant sound, and there was this breeze that hit us, and somebody started laughin'. And after we seen the white shader, we didn't wanna be up there no more."

All the time Gomer spoke, Carter stared at him with a semi-interested expression.

"So, what are you trying to say, Pyle? That there are ghosts in Lou-Ann's apartment?"

"Naw, not in her apartment, but above it. At least that's what Duke here thanks. As for me, I'm not quite sure, seein' that I didn't get a very good look at the thang."

Carter's expression morphed into total scorn.

"I don't believe it. I just don't believe it. Just when I thought I've heard it all, you knuckleheads come to me with some crazy story about ghosts in the attic? How stupid can you be?"

"Well if you'd been there, Sarge, you might change your mind," said Duke.

"I might change my mind? To say that ghosts exist? Is this some crack, Slater?" Carter demanded.

Gomer gasped.

"Of course not, Sergeant. You know I'd never lie to you. Never in my born days."

Carter snorted.

"Yeah, well, in that case, come on."

"Where are we goin'?" asked Gomer.

"You're taking me back to that apartment and I'm going to prove to you knuckleheads that ghosts are nothing but a bunch of tall tales!"


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

When the trio reached the door to the attic, they paused. Carter pushed the door open an inch and stole a glance inside. Duke and Gomer hovered over his shoulder. He straightened up and brushed them aside in annoyance.

"Will you back off?" he huffed. "Now listen, I'm going up there and you two dumbbells are coming with me. We're going to find whatever it is you saw so that I can prove to you that there's a logical explanation for everything and that there ain't no such thing as ghosts!"

With that, he yanked the door open and marched up the stairs. The two privates tiptoed at his heels. When they reached the attic floor, Carter glanced around at the piles of miscellaneous objects.

"What is all this junk?" he grumbled.

Gomer and Duke hardly heard him, as they kept their gazes fixed on the empty bookshelves. Carter noticed their wary faces.

"So that's where you saw it, huh? Come on, let's go take a look." "Are you sure, Sergeant?" Gomer squeaked.

"Yeah," said Duke, "you were right. There's nothing here. So, I guess we can go back to the base now."

Carter couldn't hold back a sneer.

"What are you guys, scared? You're Marines, not schoolboys. Move it!"

Before anyone could make a move, three loud, clear bangs echoed through the attic. Everyone froze.

"What was that, Sarge?" Duke gulped.

Carter glanced about the dark room.

"I don't know," he mumbled. "It probably came from downstairs."

Gomer shook his head and huddled closer to his sergeant.

"I knew it. I knew we shouldn't have come back here. I just knew it."

"Pipe down, Pyle," Carter growled.

He again headed for the bookshelves, though more cautious than before. They had barely gone two steps when the same deep, guttural laughter from before caused the room to tremble. Carter pushed Duke and Gomer backward, staring at the ceiling. A harsh clatter from behind sounded over the laughter. All three Marines whirled around. The pile of rakes, pickaxes, and shovels had been knocked over and scattered across the wood floor. The disembodied voice let out a whoop. All eyes turned to the bookshelves where a white-robed figure flittered among the rafters.

"You know what?" Carter squeaked, "I think we should get out of here!"

With that, he shoved Duke and Gomer aside and darted for the staircase. Gomer and Duke ran hot on his heels. Once again, when they reached the safety of the floor below, they slammed the door shut and leaned against the wall, huffing and puffing from adrenaline. Finally catching his breath, Carter barked,

"Don't go up there again, neither of you! Do whatever you want, but whatever it is, stay out of that room!" That being said, he stormed down the hall, leaving Gomer and Duke to shudder in their boots.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

That night, Gomer tossed and turned in his bunk, unable to wipe the events of the day from his mind. The strange laughs, the white figure, the cold breeze, none of it made any sense. Still, he wasn't about to stop puzzling until he reached a conclusion. Sergeant Carter's words echoed through his mind and mixed with Sheriff Taylor's. There ain't no such thing as ghosts. Gomer sat up in his bunk.

"He's right. They're both right." He stood up and shook Duke's shoulder in the upper bunk.

"Hey, Duke? Wake up!" he whispered in his buddy's ear. Duke moaned and cranked one eye open.

"Gomer? What time is it?"

"Duke, I've been thankin', Sergeant Carter's been right this whole time."

"About what?"

"'Bout that attic. There can't be no spook in there. He's right, there ain't no such thang as spooks."

"Great, I'll remember that next time I decide to go poking around that attic."

He started to roll over, but Gomer stopped him.

"I'm glad you thank so, 'cause that's just where we're goin'."

"Sounds good… WHAT?"

Several weary soldiers in adjacent bunks shushed them in annoyed tones.

"You mean you're going back there? At this time of night?" Duke hissed.

"That's right. And you're comin' with me."

"Whoa now, Gomer. Let's stop and think about this for a moment."

"There's no use talkin' about it, Duke. There's nothin' you can say that'll change my mind. Now you can come with me or not, but that's where I'm goin'."

With that, Gomer yanked open his locker and pulled out his uniform. Duke sighed and rubbed the weariness out of his eyes.

"Alright, Gome. If you're that determined, I don't see how I can leave you behind."

Gomer smiled as he slipped on his shirt.

"I knew you'd come along, Duke. I just knew it. And don't worry none. We'll prove to Sergeant Carter just how right he was when he said there ain't no such thang as spooks."

Duke rolled his eyes as he slid to the floor.

"Yeah, sure Gome. If we ever make it out, that is."

When they reached the door to the attic stairway, Gomer paused.

"Now, we better go up there real quiet-like, so as not to let whatever's up there know we're comin'."

"Great idea," Duke huffed, "then we can catch the ghost by surprise."

As quietly as he could, Gomer inched the door open and crept up the stairs, pausing after each one. Duke hesitated before following. About halfway up the stairs, the faint sound of gruff voices reached their ears.

"That's great," Duke muttered, "There's more than one up there, and they're talking to each other. They're probably deciding what to do with us once we get up there."

Gomer hushed him and continued on. The voices grew louder as they worked their way up. When they stepped into the attic, the voices lulled. The two Marines pressed close to each other as they glanced about the empty room, almost completely hidden due to time of night. Trying his best to ignore the heaviness in his chest, Gomer inched forward into the darkness. His boot hit a pile of soft fabric. Reaching down, he picked up a handful of the fabric and held it close to his face. It was a ragged white sheet. He handed it to Duke, who also looked it over.

"Seems like we found our spook," Gomer whispered. Heavy footsteps echoed through the room, originating from behind the bookshelves. The steps were followed by the same gruff voices from before.

"Hey, Tucker, how much longer are we supposed to be holed up in here?" whined the first voice.

"Relax, Hemsley" gruffed the second, "we'll only be here a few more days until the excitement dies down. Then, we'll skip town, cash in this loot, and buy two one-way tickets to Mexico where we can enjoy our spoils off the hook."

"But we won't be able to stay holed up in here for too long. We almost had our cover blown twice."

"So what? If anyone else comes along, we'll give him the same show we gave those Marines. By the way, that was a nice touch knocking over that garden equipment. Now that really did the trick!"

Gomer elbowed Duke in the ribs and, picking up the extra folds of bedsheet, crept towards the bookcases. When they reached the furniture, they peered between the shelves.

"I can't see anything, can you?" breathed Duke.

"Naw, it's too dark."

A sharp clatter sounded to the right, causing Duke and Gomer to nearly jump out of their skin. The same gruff voice from before uttered a loud curse.

"Hemsley! I thought I told you to get rid of that fan!"

"I moved it out of the way, didn't I? What did you want me to do, take it to a thrift shop?"

"Well don't put it where my toe is supposed to be!"

While the two men argued, their movements became barely visible to Gomer and Duke, whose eyes were beginning to adjust to the darkness.

"Shazam," Gomer whispered, "They must be those bank robbers the police are lookin' for."

"That's what I'm thinking," Duke hissed, "But what do we do?"

They stared at each other for a moment in thought. Gomer raised the sheet to his face. Duke nodded in understanding. Together, they squeezed between the bookshelves and spread the sheet out between them. Standing against the wall, the two thieves failed to notice them until the sheet was fully spread.

"Hey, Tucker," squeaked the first man, "What's that up there?"

"What?"

Gomer and Duke charged, the bedsheet flapping between them. Somewhere behind them, a bellowing shout followed by a rattling clatter filled the attic. The two thieves, paralyzed with fear, both let out a blood-curling screech as the sheet swallowed them.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Earlier that evening, Carter stood in front of his open locker with a towel over his shoulders when Corporal Boyle strode in the duty hut.

"Turning in early, Sarge?"

"After the day I had today, how can I not?"

"Well, some of the guys don't share your heavy eyelids," Boyle remarked.

"What makes you say that?"

"A couple of 'em came in here not too long ago asking for a pass."

"A pass, at this time of night? Who would do a crazy thing like that?"

"Pyle and Slater. They came in here asking for a pass with eyes bugging out of their skulls."

Carter snatched the towel off his shoulders and whipped around.

"Pyle and Slater! Did they say where they were going?"

"No, I didn't ask. Why, what's it to you?"

Pulling his uniform off the hanger, Carter muttered to himself, "It was probably Pyle's idea, the knucklehead. And after I told him to stay away from there."

"Stay away from where?" asked Boyle, hovering over Carter's shoulder, "what are they going to do?"

Carter ignored him as he hastily tucked in his uniform.

"I've gotta stop 'em before they really do something stupid!" Leaving the astonished Boyle behind, he grabbed his cap and scrambled out the door.

After pulling up beside the apartment complex, Carter sat in his car for a moment and stared up at the top floor of the building. A single, broken window marked the place of the attic. No light shone from this window, unlike the apartment windows below from which light emanated from between blinds or curtains. As he stared, a small beam of white light flickered across the broken windowpane. He shuddered, then angrily shook off the reaction.

"Those meatheads are starting to get to me," he gruffed, "I'm a Marine sergeant, not a boy scout. I don't run from a little light."

With that, Carter jumped out of his car and stomped up the apartment stairs, not stopping until he reached the attic door. He hesitated at the door before continuing. It had been left half-open. No doubt about it, the dumbbells were up there, which meant he would have to go drag them back down. Wonderful. A loud clatter sounded from above. Carter nearly jumped out of his skin. He barely saved himself from tumbling over backward. Now with his heart racing, he hurried into the dark staircase. He paused before he reached the last step. Straining his eyes in the darkness, he took one hesitant step forward. A series of low whispers reached his ears. He couldn't suppress a shudder at the disembodied sound. Something fluttered in the corner of his eye. Out of the darkness, a giant white figure rose out of the floor. With a series of blood-curling shrieks, it charged towards the opposite wall. Carter let out the loudest yell he could muster and stumbled backward. He tripped over a wooden handle and fell over a pile of garden tools. The tools clashed and clattered all around him.

"What was that?" grunted a familiar voice.

"It wasn't you?" answered an equally familiar drawl.

"Pyle! Slater!" Carter yelled.

"Why, it's Sergeant Carter!" said Gomer, "Hey, Sergeant! We didn't even know you were back there!"

"Gomer, help me out with these two guys, will ya?" Duke grumbled as he yanked both trembling thieves out from under the sheet. Carter scrambled out of the pile of tools and stumbled through the darkness to join the two privates. To his surprise, they each held a struggling bandit in their hands. Instant embarrassment turned to spite at the sight of them, not only safe and sound but triumphant while he'd made a fool of himself.

"Well?" he demanded, "what are you just standing there for? Quick, tie them up before they escape. Gomer glanced around.

"With what, Sergeant?"

Carter rustled through the piles of junk until he found a cord long enough to secure the hands of both thieves.

"Slater, go call the police," Carter said, "Pyle and I'll watch these crooks until they get here."

"Right, Sarge."

"Guess what, Sergeant?" Gomer began as Duke headed down the attic stairs, "It wasn't no ghost at all, it was these here bank robbers. But I guess you knew that all along, didn't you, Sergeant? Boy, that sure was a smart thang to do, lettin' us come up here by ourselves while you follered along behind. Why, if you hadn't hollered and made that noise when you did, these thieves might have gotten clean away."

Carter's spite melted away as a new window of opportunity opened up.

"Yeah," he laughed, "I knew it was the bank robbers all along. Thanks to my sergeant's intelligence, I knew it couldn't possibly be a ghost, so what else could it be?"

"Golly, Sergeant. Here I was just shakin' in my boots and you weren't even afraid. You sure are brave."

"That's right, Pyle. It all comes with being a Marine."


End file.
